The Belief Distillery Melanie Parker Hypnotherapy Uncategorised What were you thinking?

What were you thinking?

You stupid idiot, I can’t believe you did that? What did you do that for, twat? You should’ve known better, idiot?

They aren’t nice things to say to someone are they? But these aren’t things someone said to me, these are the phrases I said to myself, multiple times a day for 20 years. Sometimes I said them jokingly, sometimes I screamed them inside my head. I’m a peaceful person and have never really gone for violence, but woe betide the person who ever speaks to my husband or children like that.

So why do we think it is okay to bully ourselves like this? We know there are enough people outside our heads to do that for us, but still we continue to use hurtful, shameful, bullying language toward ourselves every day.

Just like a child who is bullied externally, these hurtful words wear us down. We say them so often we start to believe them because our minds don’t know care if what we tell it is true, false, helpful or unkind, it just lets it in. We repeat them over and over when even the slightest thing goes wrong until it is the loudest voice in our heads, the nagging self-doubt that says we can’t do that, we are useless.

As I mentioned, I spent 20 years tearing myself down. I never reached for anything outside of my comfort zone. When I started implementing the techniques below to change how I talk to myself, I changed my life – I never thought I would be able to practice therapy or start a blog but here I am and I can show you how to change how you feel about yourself by just changing the words you tell yourself everyday.

"You are Smart" compliment
Photo by Eva Elijas on

Today is National Compliments Day for my American cousins, and what more amazing way is there to celebrate, than starting the habit of complimenting ourselves every day. Us English as a rule could definitely use some more practice accepting compliments and the more you give and accept compliments with yourself, the more you will find you are giving and accepting compliments of those around you.

No one is going to stand on the side-lines of your life in a skimpy dress cheering your name for you (and would you want that when you are putting on your socks…..yay, go you!). But we can do this for ourselves. We can be our own cheerleaders.

When you make a mistake, catch yourself telling yourself off like some evil dictator and think, “if my best friend had done that, what would I say to them?” Show yourself some compassion when things don’t go to plan and soon you will find it easier. It will feel strange at first, but every time you notice yourself being unkind, stop, apologise, and reframe what you were saying into something you wouldn’t be ashamed to say out loud. The more you practice compassion towards yourself, the more you will feel compassion for those around you. You will have greater self-esteem and self-worth.

Now put on some Fat Boy Slim and go and Praise you like you should!


Related Post

What are you thankful forWhat are you thankful for

Today, right now what are you thankful for?

Sometimes it can be so easy to say, nothing. Everything in life is going rubbish right now and I have nothing to be thankful for.

Photo by Du01b0u01a1ng Nhu00e2n on

As I said, that’s the easy path, it is easy to feel sorry for ourselves and embrace sadness when we feel blue. It’s almost a default when a few things go wrong to see everything as going wrong.

That is more often than not a self-fulfilling prophesy. The barista spills your coffee, then on your way out of the coffee shop someone mumbles a rude comment about you under their breath. You get to work and your colleagues all seem to be avoiding you and you have an awful day. But why is that?

Picture that scenario again, how are you behaving. The barista spills your coffee, you look annoyed and feel pissed off. You are thinking about that as you walk out the door, forgetting to hold it open for the next person as you usually would so they grumble about how rude you are. Your bad mood is written all over your face so your colleagues give you a wide birth. At each stage, if you had broken the cycle of forgetting to be grateful and allowing yourself to be a slave to your emotions the outcome could have changed.

Photo by Zen Chung on

It is not always easy to see but their is always something to be thankful for. Whether that be that you internet to read my humble blog, a dry place to sleep or a hot cup of coffee enjoyed in quiet.

Our minds are amazing and we can control our emotions. By being grateful for the small things in our lives as well as the big, we are telling our mind to focus on the positives. When we stop telling ourselves that these events are terrible things that made our day awful, we can recognise them for the small inconveniences they are and be grateful for so much more.

If the person in my story was grateful that no one was burnt when the coffee spilled – they would have noticed the other person near the door and held it open. If they were grateful that when they stepped outside the sun was shining, they would have been happier at work.

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No one has the power to make you unhappy, only you can do that – and that is something to be thankful for.


What is Self-TalkWhat is Self-Talk

I talk an awful lot about self-talk, so I thought I would do a post going back to basics on what self-talk actually is.

Self-talk is your internal dialogue. It’s influenced by your subconscious mind, and it reveals your thoughts, beliefs, questions, and ideas. Self-talk can be both negative and positive. It can be encouraging, and it can be distressing. There is a school of thought that states that much of your self-talk depends on your personality. I disagree. Your self-talk much like your personality depends on your core beliefs about yourself and the world around you.

Photo by Polina Zimmerman on

It can also depend on your goals, what you want to achieve, and how much effort you’ve put into achieving it. Some common self-talk includes: “I’m not good enough”. These words are often used by people who have low confidence in themselves.

This negative type of self-talk not only hurts the person’s chances of success but also further erodes that confidence. Other common self-talk includes: “I can do it”, which is often used by people who have higher levels of confidence and goals. This positive type of self-talk will help a person reach their goals faster than negative types of self-talk.

In the field of sport psychology , researchers in the 1990s discovered that how anathlete talks to him or herself can either make or break a game. In order for an athlete to perform well, they must overcome mental barriers such as “pressure” and “fear”. Self-talk helps athletes achieve this. For example, when Olympic swimmer Dara Torres swam the 100-meter freestyle , she recorded that herself-talk went as follows: “Brain on fire, legs awake, you are fast, fluid and relaxed. Let it flow through you. It’s going to be a great day.”

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Self-talk is used in other types of sports as well and can help the athlete focus on positive thoughts while competing against another person or a clock. However, self-talk isn’t just used in sports. It can be used in all aspects of our lives.

It’s not enough to just talk to ourselves to benefit from positive self talk however. According to statistical data and research on self-talk it is actually more effective when it’s written than said aloud.

In a study titled The “Self-Talk” Technique Effectiveness as Measured by Cognitive Processing in the Randomized Control Trial, scientists discovered that students who wrote their goals down and then said them aloud once a day achieved significantly better grades than those who did not use self-talk. Also, the students who used self-talk had a higher overall GPA than the other group of students.

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In addition, in a study titled The Relative Effectiveness of Three Methods for Using Self-Talk to Reduce Acute Perceived Stress , scientists discovered that elementary school teachers who wrote their stressors on cards and then said them aloud in front of a mirror reported less stress than those teachers who did not use self-talk.

Self-talk is very effective in almost everything. Even if someone has a “bad” self-image, they can use their words to help them reach higher levels of success. Self-talk is powerful and should be used frequently. When you say something aloud, it is multiplied by 1000% for the content of information going into your mind. If you don’t believe it then try this: when enacting a positive self-talk statement into your life, say it aloud. Read the sentence out loud. That’s called vocalization and that will increase the impact of positive self-talk by about 1000%.


white flowers between brown rabbit figure and eggs

Easter HangoverEaster Hangover

Hello from the other side!!!!! I didn’t work over Easter so things have been a bit quiet here on the site, trust me, that is the only place things have been quiet!

multicolored candies
Photo by Tim Gouw on

Are you feeling a bit of a Easter hang over? I certainly am! After the chocolate binges and general overindulgence, many people feel tired, bloated and just plain icky. But don’t worry, there are ways to recover from your Easter excesses. Check out these tips for getting back on track after Easter.

As per usual, we did the normal days out to see lambs, picnic in the woods and had an Easter Egg Hunt on Easter Sunday, it was a lot of fun and the children loved it.

The other thing they loved was being spoilt rotten! I have lost count of the amount of chocolate eggs filling my home. I succumbed and ate a couple of their eggs – to help them of course because no 4 year old needs more than 10 eggs, even if they are spaced out over the next few weeks.

By Tuesday we all felt awful; tired, moody, uncomfortable and generally low.

So I have gone back to basics to ensure that my spawn actually have some chocolate left by the end of the weekend.

It all started with a little forgiveness. I have forgiven myself for binging on stolen chocolate (although I don’t think the children will if they notice). I have strong memories around chocolate, food and Easter. The chocolate companies have marketed chocolate as a way to love myself so strongly and convincingly that it is work to undo that programming. It is a behavior I relied on for 30 years, There are physical neurological connections driving this behavior.

Next, although I have forgiven myself, I can’t keep using this as an excuse to binge eat. Now I know better, I can do better and I am committed to doing so.

turned on black samsung smartphone between headphones
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I have gone back to listening to my hypnotic recording and remembering why I eat the way I do, how eating healthily makes me feel in my body and my mind.

vegetable lot
Photo by Daria Shevtsova on

And during the rest of my day, I am remembering that I am making the wonderful choice to stay slim, to stay healthy and I love the person I have become.

When you have Complex Trauma, the road to recovery is never straight. I am an expert in nutrition and health, a hypnotherapist and weight management coach and yet still sometimes events knock me for six and I have to dust myself back off and remember why I choose every day to have a gorgeous, healthy body.