Just be yourself…

Has anyone ever said that to you, you’re anxious about an interview or a first date. “Just be Yourself”, but what do you do when you have no idea who that person is?

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I am a daughter, I know that my behaviour reflects on all the people who raised me and am ever conscious of how I reflect on them. I haven’t always been, and I have seen the hurt and damage that caused and it is now an integral part of me to see myself as an extension of my parents and guardians.

I am a wife, and again am aware of how my behaviour makes my wonderful husband feel. I know that I have the power to lift his spirits as well as remove any and all motivation. I know that he is a grown adult with the same power over his own mind and I am not the only factor, but wanting to be a helpful and supportive wife, I am always thinking of his feelings, wants and needs.

I am a mother, a role-model for my children. Do I always get it right? Not a chance, but I am always trying and always mindful of the power I have in shaping who they are as people. The beliefs they form about themselves and the world around is directly impacted by the words and images I feed their plasticine minds with.

I find social situations very awkward, but I have my ritual of putting on my make-up and I naturally morph into the version of me that is outgoing, positive and ready to face any challenge. I am sociable, but I have learnt to be by building a rapport with those around me. I’m a listener and people find it easy to be around me, shine the spotlight on me however and I stutter, and have no idea what to say. the idea of “just being myself” is so alien to me. I don’t always know what song to put on, or what movie to watch and can spend an hour flicking through Netflix without watching anything and then turning it off because I’m bored.

I used to have no idea who I am, but although I still struggle with these things while I’m finding out the small stuff, through a lot of self reflection and through discovering hypnotherapy I know myself, and I love who I am. I know my values; I know my beliefs and although I still find I am happy to go with the flow on movies and music, my values are never compromised!

There comes a time when we all lose ourselves in the labels we have, be it son or daughter, husband or wife, parent, entrepreneur however we start to define ourselves, we play the parts we know until those parts become our own. It can be so difficult to sift through the sand to to reach the diamonds of who we are and if I could have had RTT to find out who I am 10 years ago, I would have in a heartbeat. Those situations when the only advice my friends could give me is to “just be myself” no longer fill me with fear, because I know exactly who I am and I am good enough!

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If this resonates with you and you would like to know more about how you can get to know yourself, book a FREE 30 minute call where I can help you peel back those layers and find you.


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Combating First Day nervesCombating First Day nerves

My son is starting school, he is brave and confident and can’t wait to make new friends and to be honest, so am I.

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But I wasn’t always this way.

For me the first day of school was always thoughts of, “will they like me this year?”, “have I got the right bag?”, “are they going to make fun of my hair this year?” All these questions went through my head and I was so worried that I wouldn’t be liked.

I never was in all honesty – I was always weird and always bullied for it and only ever had a few close friends.

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I reinvented myself again and again. I changed my hair, I changed my style but I was always me. A little autistic, more baggage than an airline carrier and an adult, cynical way of looking at the world – just because I changed the packaging didn’t make me less me inside and that was someone who didn’t fit in.

It wasn’t until I changed as a person that I stopped being “weird” and embraced being UNIQUE.

Actual picture of me – being UNIQUE

None of us are the same, except for one fear – the fear that we won’t be accepted.

Our tribal ancestors had to work together to survive and if they were ostracised from the group, they would be alone, with no shelter and no food and no way to live.

We are still tribal people, but we don’t need to rely on the people physically closest to us anymore to fill that void. Your tribe can be anywhere in the world, any group of people from any location, speaking almost any language. Thanks to the internet our world is larger than it’s ever been – so what if one person doesn’t like you (I guarantee at least one person doesn’t like you)? They aren’t your people, but you do have people and they are out there.

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I did change who I am, I embraced my uniqueness and learnt to love myself. I changed the cynical, negative outlook to one of gratitude and kindness. I stopped looking at peoples failings – including my own, and started celebrating all our achievements. I no longer worry about being a certain way or a certain person, I am me and being myself means that those who do resonate with me and like me, really like me.

Will I be standing at the school gate hoping to make some mum friends and that people will like me? Of course I will, but it hasn’t consumed my thoughts for the past week, it doesn’t worry me that they might not – but it would be nice.

Loving yourself can be the hardest thing to do, we are so used to being our harshest critic, but until you can truly love yourself you will always hold a little of yourself back from others. They can sense that you aren’t being your true self, whether you believe that’s the energy you give off, or the subtle body language and tone used, people can pick up that you are not being yourself, and no one wants a friend that isn’t themselves around them.

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How to have more time without joining the 5am clubHow to have more time without joining the 5am club

Do you never have enough time? I’d love to go out, but when? I just want a bath but I don’t have time. I don’t have time to exercise or meditate.

to do list
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I used to say these things to myself and my family all the time in between the never ending mountain of laundry, the sides that seem to make themselves sticky when I turn my back and the never ending to-do list. Not having time to go to the park because I have to get the house clean, keep the children clean, walk the dog, make myself pretty, make the thing for nursery, find clothes to donate to charity, and make a lasagne I can drop off to that friend in need.

And what did I have to show for it, miserable children that couldn’t let off steam so were constantly under my feet or drawing on the walls (add that to the to do list!). Friends I never had time to see properly and when I did, all I had to talk about was complaining about The List, the children, the husband. And, to add insult to injury, the sides were still sticky, the floor still covered in goodness-knows-what, and that mountain of laundry never seemed to get smaller.

Eventually, even the social engagements with friends and family felt like another thing on the to-do list. I was stressed. I wasn’t a fun mum. I wasn’t a fun anything. I complained about life to my amazing husband, and I complained about my husband and my home to anyone who would listen. I felt I was drowning until I literally couldn’t face it anymore.

woman on pier, depressed and burnt out sitting with her knees up and her head down
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I had other problems at the time too, problems that exacerbated this need, and this need added fuel to the already raging fire and I was consumed by an apathy and lethargy that can only be described as burn out. I cried and slept for what felt like eons, until I learnt that it doesn’t have to be this way. There is a secret the media don’t want to tell you, even some women try and keep up the façade…

As amazing and awsome as you are, YOU ARE NOT SUPERWOMAN. I thought I could be and it only made me and my family miserable.

Picture a bucket in front of you, with a hose filling it with water. The water is slowly filling the bucket and you come along and put one hole in it, the children. Then you put another hole in it for your partner. Then another for work, another and another and no matter how much water the hose puts in the bucket, it is getting emptier and emptier until there is nothing left to give.

woman in lotus pose balancing on suspended loop of material
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When we breath, we take a breath in, and give a breath out. We give AND WE RECEIVE. Try now, take a big breath in and then one long breath out, give everything you have and take nothing back, and you will soon find yourself in very desperate need to take a breath in. It is natural to have this balance, to give and to receive. (If you haven’t already, please stat breathing now)

Now I am able to have balance and look after myself, every part of my life and my families life is unrecognisably better. I take the time to exercise and I have more energy to play with them and feel happier because of it. I take the time to meditate, and am calmer and shout less, I make time to do these things because they are important to me and they make me a better person.

We have days out as a family, and with the girls, and even the odd date night.

My children are better behaved, and when they aren’t I am more equipped to handle it. They give me more space at home to get things done between the fun at double the speed.

Do I look like a model everyday, no, because I’m a mum with toddlers.

The pile of laundry didn’t magically go away, the sides still need wiping before I cook but my house is about the same as it was before and we are all happier.

And the children being clean…well it’s much more fun rolling down the grass hills in the rain. that’s what splishy, splashy warm baths are for and cups of hot chocolate!

muddy children with their arms around each other with their backs to the camera
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Why Your New Year’s Resolution has already failed and how to get back on Track.Why Your New Year’s Resolution has already failed and how to get back on Track.

So we have survived the first week of 2021, has your New Year’s Resolution survived too?

Probably not. In the face of so many challenges, who can blame you! but did you give yourself any chance to succeed in the first place?

The thing with New Year’s Resolutions, is we tend to make wishy-washy goals that we know we should do but that don’t excite us in any way such as “Eat more healthily”, or “get fitter”.

Think about it. Could you ever tick that off as complete? Can you assign a real, tangible picture to it in your mind? The chances are you can’t.

I have been guilty of this very thing year after year, making promises to myself that I couldn’t achieve, based on the logic of being fitter or healthier or whatever, feeling deep down that this was a chore – not being able to eat cake, not having my lie ins and having to drag myself up to exercise … all negative, all feeling like effort and work.

If you don’t want to get up at 5am to go for a run, if you check the weather at night and see it’s going to be dark and cold and are dreading your alarm going off in the morning, guess what, you aren’t getting up for that run. Your mind is actively preventing you from doing this because it’s job is to move you away from pain i.e. Running in the cold, dark morning, and towards pleasure such as your cosy bed. You are telling yourself you need to run, at the same time as you are telling yourself how much you don’t want to. The positive emotions of being in your warm, cosy bed will always win over the logic of needing to be fitter.

As an RTT student, I help myself and others change those emotions so our mind is working for us, we need to find a way to change the picture. Slimming groups used to recommend you put a picture of yourself at your biggest on your fridge. The idea being that, rather than thinking of how much you will enjoy the chocolate bar in the fridge, you see the results of eating too many chocolate bars and that image dissuades you. Please don’t do this by the way, negative conditioning like this is terrible and only creates more guilt and shame for a lot of us and then leads to more comfort eating.

Rather than a cautionary tale, We need to create an idealised version to aspire to that really speaks to us, our happy thought. For some that might be a picture of the finish line of the London Marathon, A designer dress they would like to fit into or getting a qualification. For others, it could be having the energy to play with their child in the park for half an hour without having to stop for a rest. It doesn’t matter how big or small the aspiration is, all that matters is it speaks to us on a personal level, we can see it, we can hear it and we can feel it.

So knowing this, how do we set make that perfect image a goal? We make it SMART

No they don’t need to be written in Shakespearian English – They need to be:




Realistic and

Time managed.

So to use the example of “eat more healthily”, this could look something like “To eat 5 fruits and vegetables every day” or someone wanting to improve their fitness could say, I want to be able to run 5K by the end of May. Now this is giving a very specific target and at the end of the period of time you have set, a clear answer to if you have met that goal.

One of my goals this year is to write this blog every week, so I can share my learning with you and I know that is something I am definitely going to achieve.

Now you have a fantastic goal, reaching it is just like getting to Neverland, all you need is a little fairy dust (a SMART goal) and YOUR happy thought.